I saw a pretty horrifying documentary entitled "Dawn of the Dead" recently and I was appalled by the apparent lack of an Elite Response Team at the mall where it occurred. What contingencies should I plan for if the events portrayed in the aforementioned film unfold around me? How does your Elite Response Team train to handle such situations? What would you recommend as the best equipment, weapons, and rounds to combat the undead scourge?

Thanks, and thank you for all you do everyday to keep us shopping sheeples safe.

The Mall Security Directorate does not take the "zombie threat" very seriously. Many of us on the Teams believe that is a mistake. Is the likelyhood of zombie attack from some kind of virus high? No. Is teh likelyhood of zombie attack from radiation poisoning high? No. Is the likelyhood of zombie attack from some kind of alien influence high? No. But add all those chances together and it starts to look pretty real doesn't it?

At my curent facility we train for what are called "dangerous unlikely missions" or DUMs. Zombie invasion is definitely DUM category training.

Of course it is hard to plan a response against a threat that you know so little about. Will the zombies be the kind that die if you shoot them in the head, or the kind that need to be burned? Will they infect others with a bite? Preparing proper precautions against these potential dangers takes time, expertise, professionalism, and imagination.

Our DUM-Zombie scenario assumes the worst. The only way to eridicate the vermin is with fire and contact with bodily fluids especially bites will cause infection. While small arms can be an effective way to slow down the attacking mobs, eventually you will need to respond with something more severe.

So the DUM-Zombie plan at this facility inolves multiple steps. First, detection. The zombie invasion will be detected either by our close circuit televisions or direct contact between the undead and a security specialist. This triggers a facility-wide alarm.

Next, we lock all door in and out of the center. While this may slightly increase the danger to shoppers, it serves two functions. One, it contains the threat of the infection. And B, if helps us herd the horde towards Sears. Sears is the key to our DUM-Zombie eradication measures.

While most of the security force is locking doors and using cigarette lighters borrowed from Pens & Things to drive the zombies toward the Sears wing, a special element of specialists is dispatched to set up a trap. Using the various highly flammible and toxic colognes and perfumes at the Sears cosmetics counter, a massive fuel-air-bomb is created. Then it's just a matter of waiting for all the zombies to come to Sears. The exact details of teh triggering mechanism are of course kept Secret Classified to avoid falling into the hands of potential eco Tangos.

We certainly hope to never need the DUM-Zombie plan, but it is better to be prepared for the impossible than to wake up one morning finding out that there really is such a thing as zombies.

Out here ...

Two days ago I saw "Shawn Of The Dead". The zombies looked like wussies. I was thinking my Collie ("Hondo Wolfboy") could handle these stiffs. Does the Mall Security Directorate have any canine training in its DUM-Zombie scenario? Any tactical rigs laying around the Directorate Loadout Division for a Collie-mounted Saiga 12 with 20-round drum?